"Take my wife...please"
"One-liners" are short/simple jokes usually delivered in a rapid-fire machine gun fashion.
Several comedians come to mind who use this method, but the King of the One-Liners (a title given to him by columnist, Walter Winchell) was Henny Youngman.
Since I am running a little behind schedule this morning (I still got up at 5:30 .. but my brain must have slept in), I am going to let him write today's post.
I hope you enjoy a good comedian .. for a change.
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
A bum asked me, "Can you give me $10 till payday?" I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
They don't write 'em much like that anymore!
".. God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me." - Genesis 21:6
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