Lawyers Are (Almost) People, Too

"The first thing we do is kill all the lawyers."

That quote was made by "Dick the Butcher," the wisecracking villain (is that the pot calling the kettle black??) from Shakespeare's King Henry VI and it is totally inappropriate to use on August 31, "Love Litigating Lawyers Day."

Every profession has its share of critics.

However, attorneys appear to have more "haters" out there than Canadian pop singer, Justin Bieber (for the record ... he is a very close second).

Since some of the finest Christians I know happen to be lawyers, that is totally unfair.

On the other hand, there are a plethora of "lawyer jokes" flying around and this blog seems like the perfect place to let them land.

So... here goes (apologies to Griffin, Floyd and Dwight).

__________

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?

A: A whine cellar.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?

A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures eat them?

A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How do you tell if it is REALLY cold outside?

A: A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?

A: Redundant.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

A: Skeet.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: How does a lawyer sleep?

A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: What is black and white and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A doberman.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

__________

Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.

Since some of you read this blog before going to work, I'll stop there (these jokes only scratch the surface .. there are tons of them) so you won't be late.

Perhaps next time I'll feature "preacher jokes."

Bring a sack lunch.

"Assemble the people--men, women and children, and the aliens living in your towns--so they can listen and learn to fear the Lord your God and follow carefully all the words of this law." - Deuteronomy 31:12

The Lion Sleeps Tonight... Lucky!

NIGHT OWL

Call it the power of suggestion (one of my FB friends had just referred to me as the 'King of Insomnia' .. I prefer the 'King of Late Night' .. sorry Dave), eating "too much, too late" ('too little, too late' is such a cliché), or just an active mind (I excel at 'mental gymnastics') .. or bladder (you can't consume a gallon of H2O before bedtime and expect to keep it to yourself).

For whatever reason, I experienced yet another sleepless night .. and I'm tired of it (or rather .. tired because of it).

This site has been around for well over two years (although some deny the very existence of .. blog) and I suppose THE most written about subject (after my wife encouraged me to use her name a little less often) has to be .. the inability to sleep soundly.

The problem is clear.

A solution? .. Not so much.

At least I know I'm not alone.

All I have to do is get on Facebook any hour of the night .. or morning (it is somewhat comforting that so many are just as miserable as I am).

Everyone has trouble sleeping at some time or another. The trick is to never let it get the best of you.

Case in point...

Bean there. Done that. Got the nightshirt.

It's gonna be a LONG Monday.

"Israel's watchmen are blind, they all lack knowledge; they are all mute dogs, they cannot bark; they lie around and dream, they love to sleep." - Isaiah 56:10

RevKev's Day Off

"Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest." - Exodus 34:21a

Silly Song Saturday

"We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." - Hebrews 6:12

Funny Foto Friday

"But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering." - I Corinthians 11:15

Oops! Wrong Wright

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed (I suppose that's not literally true, since in order to receive a paycheck I actually do need to get out of bed, get ready, and show up for work).

However, from a blogger's point of view .. that is absolutely the case.

Take today's post .. please (with apologies to the late Henny Youngman).

After noticing August 26 was the birthday of Steven Wright, I decided to include more "Wrightisms" (I already posted several back in November) today .. sort of a tribute, if you will (actually, sort of a tribute even if you won't).

Quotes like:

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Well, imagine my surprise when I learned the guy who was born 56 years ago today is not Steven Wright, the comedian.

He is Stephen Wright, the radio DJ from the United Kingdom.

Granted, some of the characters/sketches from his broadcast sound intriguing (Mr Angry, Dr. Fish-Filleter, Edward the Garrulous Fencing Champion, Useless the Weather Girl, and The Perv .. to name a few). However, since I have never heard (or until today .. heard of) his show, this puts me at a great disadvantage.

In addition to all that, it is now almost 7:30 AM and it is too late to come up with something else.

So...

Happy Birthday, Stephen Wright .. whoever you are.

" ..This day is a day of distress .." - II Kings 19:3b

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Tonight at 6:30 we will have our Christmas music "kick-off" (I know .. I can't believe it either!!) at FBC Humboldt.

Great music .. if I do say so myself .. and Christmas goodies (sweets in the choir suite .. sweet!).

What more could you ask for?

Sorry, there is no pony.

"And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."

- Luke 2:12

HBD2U R2-D2

I'd like to give a birthday "shout out" to Kenny Baker who was born on August 24, 1934.

Who is Kenny Baker? .. I'm glad you asked that question.

He is the 3'8" British actor who landed the role of R2-D2 in George Lucas' 1977 mega-hit, Star Wars and proved that "good things" really do "come in small packages" (there are exceptions, however .. roaches, ticks, mosquitoes, fleas and .. of course, a child during the 'terrible twos').

Baker's portrayal of R2-D2 gave us one of the few all-motorized (mechanical) human performances in film history (the others? .. any film staring Ben Affleck).

Once crammed into his robot costume, he was unable to move around and had to rely on sophisticated remote controls (Tivo??). When those didn't work, he had to be pulled around with nylon ropes (what a drag).

Also, the noisy computer controls on R2-D2's "tin can" were so loud Baker didn't even know when a take was over. Someone had to literally bang on his costume with a hammer to indicate the director had said "cut" ('Great take, Kenny! .. you really nailed that scene!').

It has been said that "there are no small parts .. only small actors" and that is certainly true.

Especially in the case of Kenny Baker.

I conclude today's post with a question for some of the Star Wars characters ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.

LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.

LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.

HAN: Hurry up, Colonel Sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!

THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

R2-D2: beep beep be bop.

"Then he sent horses and chariots and a strong force there .." - II Kings 6:14a

Let Them Eat Cake

This is just a reminder that August 23 is National Sponge Cake Day (not to be confused with National Sponge Bath Day .. for obvious reasons) across this great land of ours (wouldn't it be embarrassing if you had let it slip your mind?).

Because it is so light (like me .. I really need to get out in the sun more often) and airy (again, like me .. I really need to watch what I eat), sponge cake makes the perfect summertime dessert.

The batter is very simple (this could also be said of some baseball players .. It’s permanent, for now. - Cincinnati Red Roberto Kelly, announcing his new name would be 'Bobby' .. There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, ‘You never know.’ - Pitcher Joaquin Andujar .. Half this game is ninety percent mental. – Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager) and contains only three ingredients: flour, sugar and eggs.

However, the real "secret" to good sponge cake is beating the batter thoroughly to create volume (yes, the baseball analogy still holds .. take it from a former little league player).

After baking .. before being cooled .. sponge cake is very flexible (like Earl Privitt .. if you've never seen him put his leg behind his head, you must not be from Humboldt) and can be rolled to create special desserts like the Bûche de Noël (Yule Log) and the Swiss Roll (which got its name from the antics of a clumsy Alpine mountain climber).

The Victoria Sponge Cake, which contains jam between two cakes, was named after Queen Victoria who enjoyed a slice with her afternoon tea (a little trivia: no one really knows what kind of jam she used to make this delicious dessert .. that was always Victoria's secret).

Let's not keep National Sponge Cake Day a secret.

Soak up all the information you can on the subject and help spread the word.

"Elijah said to her, 'Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake ..' "

- I Kings 17:13a

RevKev's Day Off

"Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest." - Exodus 34:21a

Silly Song Saturday

"I was dancing before the LORD, who chose me ... So I am willing to act like a fool in order to show my joy in the LORD." - II Samuel 6:21

Funny Foto Friday

"Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up." - John 5:7b

Water You Doing?

Yesterday while I was home during my lunch hour... and a half (hey, don't judge .. Wednesdays are tough), something out of the ordinary happened (my normal routine is eat as quickly as possible and take a short snooze .. it does the body good) that really got the old adrenaline pumping.

I had just settled down for a short summer's nap when I heard this loud sound coming from the front bedroom. It was like a cross between static from a clock radio with really bad reception and one of those "white noise" machines that people use to lull them to sleep.

When I went to investigate, I discovered the noise was coming from underneath the bed.

After sliding out several storage boxes and checking the contents, I realized the sound was not coming from any of the containers. It was coming from beneath the floor and ... it was the sound of running .. no, rushing .. water.

I had heard this sound once before. It was years ago during my college days when the Union University Singers went to Niagara Falls.

Since I am a fairly perceptive person, I thought .. this is probably not good.

So, I called Petty Plumbing (no, it's not a business for trivial plumbing issues .. that's the guy's name) and Brian Petty said he was finishing a job in Trenton and would get here asap.

I checked the meter by the street and the dial was spinning so fast it was like standing in front of a box fan. So, I knew the water needed to be shut off.

However, after having hernia surgery just three weeks prior, I thought it best not to risk "stripping a gear" and re-damaging something that is not totally paid for at this time.

That was when I called John Morrison (he works for Humboldt Utilities and is on the Humboldt Rescue Squad .. the perfect 'skill set' for this emergency) who was there within minutes and shut off the water (Thanks, John .. You 'da man!!), which probably kept my house from becoming a riverboat!

Petty Plumbing did arrive in a timely manner and they were quickly able to take care of the problem.

Things could have been worse.

I'm grateful there were no hidden cameras in the house while I was running around in a panic, crying like a little girl.

I do have a macho reputation to uphold, you know.

"Send thine hand from above; rid me, and deliver me out of great waters .." - Psalm 144:7a

Kev's Klip of the Week

"Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them."

- Matthew 7:20

I Almost Blue It

I have a meeting this morning in Brentwood (Tennessee Baptist's 'Holy City'), so today's post will have to be a short one.

On this day (August 17th) in 1959, American musician Miles Davis released the much acclaimed and best selling jazz recording of all time, Kind of Blue (Kind of Red was an embarrassment, Kind of Yellow suggested cowardice, and Kind of Black was simply... inaccurate).

Columbia House released both a mono and stereo (quite a departure from the 'norm' since many jazz musicians are known for low fidelity at high frequency) version of the album .. which was recorded in only two sessions.

Davis called for almost no rehearsal on this project and the musicians had little idea what they were to record when they arrived (like choir members who show up on Sunday morning after missing Wednesday night).

Kind of Blue's influence has reached beyond jazz as rock and classical musicians have been influenced by this recording (which critics have called one of the most influential albums of all time).

Congratulations on a job well done, Miles.

Which reminds me... I have several miles to drive and a meeting to attend.

That makes me... kind of blue.

"Which were clothed with blue, captains and rulers, all of them desirable young men, horsemen riding upon horses." - Ezekiel 23:6

It's No Laughing Matter

I have a Facebook friend who has become famous for two things (four, if you count shopping and an insatiable appetite for Wavy Lay's potato chips): 1) posting "quotable quotes" as status updates and 2) mentioning obscure "holidays" and "observances" that might not otherwise be known by the general public (one of the great military minds of this century).

Since coming up with "blog fodder" on a regular basis has become increasingly more difficult (this albatross is in its third year), I have (on more than one occasion, of late) been inspired (a kinder way of saying .. stolen the idea) to use some of these findings for my own personal gain or .. the greater good, if you will.

Today is National Tell a Joke Day .. seriously, I read it on Facebook .. and I want to encourage everyone to participate.

I'll get things started:

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra and he had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. In fact, earlier that evening he found them celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the bass section at the end of the piece. As the conductor was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

If you can make just one person smile today, you have made the world a better place to live.

If you can make several people smile today .. can you tell me how you did it?

I'm in desperate need of some new material.

"I will change my expression, and smile." - Job 9:27b

RevKev's Day Off

I understand .. from a reliable source .. today is National Relaxation Day, so after church I am going to "kick back" and "chill out."

How 'bout you?

You are welcome to join me .. just not in this pool!

"Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest." - Exodus 34:21a

Silly Song Saturday

" .. he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man."

- Psalm 147:10b

Funny Foto Friday

It's Friday the 13th... good luck with that!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

- Philippians 4:13

That's Not PC ... Wait, Yes It Is

On this day .. August 12 .. in 1981, IBM introduced the first PC (personal computer) in an effort to get into the market already dominated by the Commodore PET, Atari 8-bit family, Apple II and Tandy Corporation's TRS-80.

The IBM 5150 was a complete system, with a built-in monitor, keyboard, and data storage designed specifically for professional and scientific problem-solvers (hobbyists weren't quite willing to pay the $20,000 price tag back then).

It has been twenty nine years since IBM started all this "mess" and today's home computers are "dirt cheap" and far more powerful than any of those early engineers could have even fathomed.

They are also in just about every home in America .. and a source of contention in most.

I close with the following:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Gotta go.

My wife just sent me an IM from the other room and said she is leaving for work.

"'Bring me some game .." - Genesis 27:7a

Kev's Klip of the Week

This is for a friend.

"Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you." - Genesis 13:17

And The Hits Keep Coming

Barring some type of nationwide internet outage or a boycott from the CAUB (Citizens Against Unfunny Blogs), RevKev's should surpass 60,000 "hits" today.

All I can say is "thank you" and ... "why?"

You seem like nice, normal people. Why jeopardize that by filling your minds with the ramblings of a raving lunatic? Didn't your momma tell you not to play with fire?

Don't get me wrong. I love the attention and it gives me great satisfaction when .. okay, if .. I can make someone smile or laugh. However, I can't fathom why some of you keep coming back for more???

I suppose this is one of life's mysteries like: What do chickens think we taste like? .. or .. Do clowns wear really big socks?

For fun, I just googled (please excuse me) "60,000" and here are just a few of the results:

• Wikapedia says it is the number between 59,999 and 60,001 (suddenly my site doesn't seem so lame).
• NumbersUSA states there are 60,000 non-citizen births in Texas each year (that borders on the ridiculous).
• According to the Vancouver Sun, 60,000 new library cards were handed out last year at the Vancouver Public Library (this story was long overdue).
• Finally, MediaPost carried a story about the Levi Company's quest for the perfect pair of jeans. Mary Alderete, Levi's VP/global marketing said, "We analyzed women's bodies around the world, and did 60,000 body scans, and found that 80% of all women fall into three different body types - Slight Curve, Demi Curve, and Bold Curve" (I was at the mall on tax-free weekend. At least 80% of the women I observed were Bold Curve wearing Slight Curve ... they should be able to remove the bandages from my eyes in a week to ten days).

"And his right eye shall be totally blinded .."

- Zechariah 11:17b

Another Marvelous Monday

Yesterday's post (or rather, 'non post'.. Sunday is my day of rest, you know) suggested if you visited "RevKev's Blog" today, I would "try to make it worth your while."

Unfortunately .. that ain't gonna happen.

I wrote that blog entry (or rather, 'non entry' .. Sunday is my day of rest, you know) without thinking through (a major character flaw of mine) this morning's hectic schedule which includes a trip to the church office at 7:30 to pick up music for a meeting that will take place immediately after an 8:20 doctor's appointment in Jackson.

Of course, I still have to complete music plans for tonight's AN AWESOME AUGUST (basically, Sunday night on Monday night with different .. aren't they all?? .. preachers each week) service and setup for my SonShiners Choir rehearsal @ 1:30 PM.

The 8:20 appointment is a two week check-up (appropriately named because I will have to bring a check up to the counter before the doctor will see me) after my hernia surgery where he can admire his handiwork (he also does exquisite jack-o-lanterns, I am told) and I can ask any questions like: "What do you think of this incision, as a hole? .. make that, as a whole?"

The clock is ticking and I need to finish things up here, so please forgive me for yet another lame post.

Come back tomorrow and I will try to make it worth ...

Oh, who am I trying to fool?

"And hope does not disappoint us .." - Romans 5:5a