Recently, one of my Facebook friends (we have an 'on again/off again' relationship .. FB and me .. not my friend and me) started using Steven Wright quotes for her status updates. Several people responded positively and she declared he was her "absolute favorite comedian."
Well, I challenged that (what am I .. chopped liver??) and she has now declared him her "absolute second favorite comedian" (I'm pretty sure she just rethought her answer .. there was no pressure from me).
As much as I would like to believe I'm not "second banana" (I was actually first clarinet .. after George Stutzman graduated), I have to admit the man IS funny.
So, even though the truth hurts (never say, 'When are you due?' to a large woman who happens NOT to be pregnant .. especially if you have a very low tolerance for pain .. and a very high deductible), here are some quotes from TWI's "absolute favorite PROFESSIONAL comedian" (that takes a little of the sting out of it).
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
"That saith to the deep, Be dry .." - Isaiah 44:7a
7 comments:
i've never heard of him, so YOU are the funniest in my book!!!!!
and.....what is the "word verification" about anyway, (below leave your comment)who on earth couldn't fill that in?? you could explain that in a blog one day....(why do we need it?)
Thanks for your vote!
The word verification makes sure a real person is responding and not a computer collecting information illegally. It's a blogger thing and nothing I have set up (I have to do it, too).
Sorry!
UPDATE! I found a setting to turn word verification off. Comments welcome .. and now easier.
My favorite blog of yours, to date!! :)
It's all someone else's material .. thanks.
Ah - but you make someone else's funny material even funnier!
Post a Comment