Funny Foto Friday

Splat!

" .. and behold a tree in the midst of the earth, and the height thereof was great." - Daniel 4:10b

Say What??

I did a double-take this morning while looking at the online version (yes, I'm cheap) of The Jackson Sun, my hometown newspaper.

There was a picture of early voters in the Republican primary (three women .. viewed from their backside) with a caption that read "Henderson Primary Sees Large Turnout."

Since I have a warped sense of humor, it brought a smile to my face (please forgive me, Sherri, Kellie and Marcia).

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just don't come out quite right.

For instance ...

A death row inmate was allowed to say a few words before his demise in 1994 and the headline in The Boston Globe read, "Man Executed After Long Speech" (watch your back, long-winded preachers).

With a name like Bartolo Colon, you might as well be prepared for a life of heartache. When this Los Angeles Angels pitcher was "in the zone" against the Texas Rangers, the byline read, "Rangers Get Whiff of Colon" (now, that's just not right).

Councilwoman Laura Chick suggested "gender sensitivity" might be in order when she lashed out at City Hall and the local newspaper was there to cover the story with these profound words, "Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism" (lighten up there, missy).

I liked this one, "Meeting on Open Meetings is Closed" (what did you expect? .. we haven't made a decision yet).

Then there was, "Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum" .. the story continued with this quote, "We had no idea anyone was buried there!" (surprise, surprise, surprise).

And ...

• "Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case"

• "Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One"

• "Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years"

• "Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"

• "Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"

You know my teacher was right. Reading IS fun!

"I also will laugh .." - Proverbs 1:26a

Kev's Klip of the Week

Thanks, Richard D!

"Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven .." - Luke 6:23a

Here Comes the "I Scream" Man

Occasionally, my schedule can make me feel anxious and a little overwhelmed. Sometimes it even makes me want to scream.

Well .. cover your ears, folk. It's that time of the month (sorry .. that didn't come out quite right .. or did it??).

Yesterday was .. Monday and that says it all (most ministers resign on that day .. each and every week).

Today, I am speaking at an associational senior adult event at Hickory Withe Baptist Church which is located .. somewhere near Memphis (I really ought to Mapquest that address since I have to be there by 10:30).

This is my second senior adult "gig" in a week's time (I went to Sugar Creek Retirement Center in Brownsville last Thursday .. no one invited me .. I just walked in and started doing my stand-up routine since I really needed the practice for today) and I had the crowd spellbound (you could hear a pin drop the entire time I was speaking).

This Sunday, my SonShiners (they are not exclusive to me, but I like to call them mine) will sing at the West Tennessee Strawberry Festival (a thirty minute mini-concert) and I am directing a Community Choir, as well.

Next week, I am leading the music at a retreat for .. yes, again .. senior adults from First Baptist Church, Bolivar at Pickwick Landing State Park.

Does anyone else see a pattern here?

It doesn't seem like that many years ago I was always asked to do youth events.

Now, it appears I'm exclusively on the geriatric circuit (please, no 'it takes one to know one' comments at the end of this post .. that would just be tacky).

I suppose since all my jokes are "old jokes" .. it's a match made in heaven.

I'm just grateful these events are during the daytime.

I can't see well enough to drive at night.

"But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off .." - II Peter 1:9a

She's a Lady ... a Funny Lady

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but (NEWSFLASH!!) I enjoy a good laugh.

It is especially important to me when I'm doing my stand-up routine .. or my 'little dog and pony show' as one of my church members calls it (alright, it doesn't even have to be a good laugh .. any kind will do .. I'll also settle for a chuckle, smile, slight grin, or on a really bad night .. occasional eye contact).

From 1967 to 1978, I never failed to get that "good laugh" every time I watched The Carol Burnett Show.

The sketches were brilliant (remember the Gone with the Wind parody when Carol, as Scarlett, wore the dress she made from curtains .. rod and all?).

However, I probably enjoyed seeing her field questions from members of the studio audience as much as anything. She was always "quick on her feet" and you never knew what she might say (most likely because she never knew what she might say .. much like a blogger we all know and love .. okay, okay, much like a blogger we all know .. period).

Carol tells the story about trying to write a personal check at an "exclusive" store without any form of identification. In order to prove she was Carol Burnett, the store manager asked her to do her famous Tarzan yell. She complied, which satisfied the manager.

It also attracted the attention of a startled security guard who came running .. with gun drawn.

Happy seventy seventh birthday, Carol Burnett!

I'm so glad we had this time together.

"They shall roar together like lions: they shall yell as lions' whelps." - Jeremiah 51:38

RevKev's Day Off

"Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest." - Exodus 34:21a

Silly Song Saturday

"But when the congregation is to be gathered together .. ye shall blow." - Numbers 10:7a

Funny Foto Friday

"Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing."

- Song of Solomon 4:2a

Give a Hoot .. Don't Pollute

♫ Happy Earth Day to You ♪♫

♫ Happy Earth Day to You ♪♫

♫ Happy Earth Day dear day to inspire awareness and appreciation for the environment ♪♫

♫ Happy Earth Day to You! ♫

April 22 is Earth Day and today it is 40 years old (I remember turning forty .. sorry, but it's all downhill from here).

Although I wouldn't consider myself a "tree hugger" (does someone need a hug? .. come here .. you big birch, you), I think we all could do a better job of taking care of what God has given us.

It has been said that "little things mean a lot" (if you've seen the stone in Cheryl's engagement ring, you can tell I'm a firm believer in this theory) and here are a few little things that can help with the environment.

• Shut off water when you brush your teeth .. or just don't brush your teeth at all

• Walk, ride a bike or take the bus instead of traveling by car .. or stay home from work altogether

• Take faster showers or baths in just a small amount of water .. or shower in twos (Cheryl didn't buy my 'going green' explanation, but it was worth a shot)

• Hang clothes on the line instead of putting them in the dryer .. or just put them on wet (they will dry eventually plus no one can tell when you sweat)

• Choose products that are not over packaged .. or just borrow things from your neighbors and conveniently forget to return them (I've been trying to get a Sony Walkman out of one of those ''sealed and safe for eternity' plastic packages since 1978)

Finally, did you know that every year, 3,740,000 trees are cut down in the US to make receipt paper?

That's right.

Not only does this cost our earth the beauty and carbon-monoxide reducing benefits that trees provide but also 1,529,660,000 gallons of water, 101,860,000 gallons of oil, 129,140,000 pounds of air pollution, 673,200 cubic yards of landfill space, and 896,940 Kilowatt hours of energy for the process.

Katie, that's why I fail to turn in receipts.

It's for the children.

"The earth is the LORD'S, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein." - Psalm 34:1

Kev's Klip of the Week

"Greet one another with an holy kiss." - II Corinthians 13:12

That's a Tight Squeeze

Yesterday our SonShiners choir did a 30 minute program (it was really a 15 minute program .. but we sing very slowly) at the Tennessee State Veterans Home in Humboldt and (per usual) they did a great job!

Normally when we go somewhere to sing, I ask Bro. Greg to drive the church van for us. However, for some reason I decided to "do the honors" myself for a change.

Not a good idea.

I know many of my friends in ministry have a CDL (Commercial Drivers License) and do most of the driving when their group travels. Somehow I have avoided doing so over my 35 years of ministry and to be quite honest .. the world is a better place for it.

There is a lot of responsibility when you cart around a group (especially when they are senior adults) and I don't handle pressure very well (those who have had the misfortune of being around me a couple of weeks before a Christmas musical know what I'm talking about .. it ain't pretty).

I have driven a fifteen passenger church van many times over the years and that is no problem .. on the older, now uninsurable models.

The new vans .. although still only holding 15 people .. are wider, longer and enough "big bus like" to make me just a little uncomfortable when I'm behind the wheel.

Oh, I have no problem driving.

It's the parking that gives me fits.

If there is plenty of open space available (like, say on an empty football field), no biggie.

However, when you have to put an "oversized gorilla" in a spot designed for a "subcompact monkey" .. nothing good can come of that.

I am forever indebted to Don Holland (former FBC Humboldt Minister of Music from the 60s, current SonShiner member and now uniquely qualified to be an air traffic controller) for helping me navigate out of a tight situation and for keeping me from "taking out" several vehicles in a parking area that was obviously made specifically for Mini Coopers.

We will be singing again in a few weeks at one of the area nursing homes.

Hey, Bro. Greg .. can you drive?

"Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."

- Matthew 7:14

Another Sleepless Night

Those readers who have "been around the block .. a time or two" (I chose to use this terminology instead of 'rode hard and put up wet') will remember the old Dr. Pepper logo that included the numbers 10, 2 and 4. They represented the times of day when the human body needs a little "pick-me-up" to avoid an energy slump (this was discovered in a study on the body's metabolism done in the 1920s by Dr. Walter Eddy of Columbia University).

Dr. Eddy's research showed a natural drop in body energy at 10:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m. and 4:30 p.m. (I've discovered this also occurs at any given time after you reach the age of fifty). However, he also discovered that if the people in his research study had something to eat or drink at 10, 2 and 4, the energy slump could be avoided.

When these findings were released, the executives at Dr. Pepper challenged their advertising agency to come up with a logo/theme (I still marvel at their brilliant design .. three numbers and the name of the cola) that suggested their product should be that 10, 2 and 4 drink which would keep your energy level up and, as they say ... the rest is history.

Granted, it was no "Dr. Pepper, so misunderstood" or "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" .. but for the 1920s, I suppose it was pretty slick.

For me, last evening was a "Dr. Pepper night."

Since I was so tired (Sunday is a day of rest, you know .. right), I went to bed at nine o'clock. However, I didn't sleep well (this is so unusual for me) and I was up at .. yep .. ten, two and four.

I know it's not ten o'clock, but I am in serious need of an "energy boost" .. now.

"Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep" - Proverbs 24:33

RevKev's Day Off

"Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest." - Exodus 34:21a

Silly Song Saturday

"It was planted in a good soil by great waters .."

- Ezekiel 17:8a

Funny Foto Friday

"I will ascend above the heights of the clouds ..."

- Isaiah 14:14a

The Lord Giveth and the IRS Taketh Away

Today is April 15 .. Tax Day .. one of the single most dreaded days of the year (right up there .. make that 'right down there' .. with colonoscopy day).

Federal income tax was introduced with the Revenue Act of 1861 to help fund the Civil War and (rumor has it) was originally only paid by the very wealthy (wow .. how things have changed).

Originally, the tax was due by the thirtieth of June. However, because the rich were often vacationing during that time (Two Flags Over Georgia .. the other four didn't come until years later .. was very popular), they decided to collect in the Spring.

In 1913 the filing deadline for individuals was March 1 (Self-injury Awareness Day in this country).

That was moved to March 15 in 1918.

It wasn't until 1955 that someone realized the irony of "sticking it to the people" on the same day Julius Caesar had his people "sticking it to him" .. so it was changed to April 15.

Benjamin Franklin said, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

As a believer in Christ there is a loophole in that "death" part and I have the precious promise of life eternal.

Unfortunately, the government is probably already working on a plan to collect there, as well.

"Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's."

- Matthew 22:21b

Kev's Klip of the Week

TABBY ALWAYS WANTED TO DO STAND-UP

"Now therefore stand and see this great thing, which the LORD will do before your eyes." - I Samuel 12:16

He Ain't Heavy .. He's Just Big Boned

Today is April 13.

On this date in 1796 the first elephant ever seen in the United States arrived from India (okay, Handel's Messiah also premiered in Dublin, Ireland .. but there are only a handful of oratorio 'funnies' .. there are tons of elephant jokes).

Like ...

What's red and white on the outside and gray on the inside?

Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup

What weighs 5000 pounds and wears glass slippers?

Cinderelephant

Why did the elephant cross the road?

To squash the chicken on the other side

If you took away an elephant's trunk how would it smell?

Still pretty bad

How do you make instant elephant?

Open the package, add water and .. run

What's large and gray and goes around and around in circles?

An elephant stuck in a revolving door

What has six legs, three ears, four tusks and two trunks?

An elephant with spare parts

What did the cat say to the elephant?

Meow

What did the apple say to the elephant?

Nothing. Apples can't talk

What should you do with a green elephant?

Wait until it is ripe

What should you do with a red elephant?

Quit telling it dirty jokes

Who is the most famous male singing elephant?

Harry Elephante

Who is the most famous female singing elephant?

Elephants Gerald

And finally ...

What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?

Their color

What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?

Here come the elephants

What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?

Here come the plums .. she was color blind

Did I mention I heard most of these jokes when I was like .. in the third grade?

".. unmindful that a foot may crush them, that some wild animal may trample them." - Job 39:15

Monday Mourning

I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, but (for those of you who might not know) .. it's Monday.

With the possible exception of The Mamas and the Papas who .. for some strange reason .. found it to be "so good to me" (actually, by the end of the day John Phillips was 'cryin' all the time'), the mere mention of the word is met with scorn.

Of course this is understandable since the arrival of Monday means the end of our coveted week-end which is, as you know, universally "loved by millions" (much like Romanian pan flute artist, Zamfir).

Personally, I welcome this day of the week with open arms.

Our staff meets for most of the morning (from 9 o'clock to probably eleven or 11:30 .. we talk about Sunday's services, important calendar items and swap one-liners) then there is a community-wide (thin townspeople may attend, as well) prayer meeting downtown at 12:15.

At 1:30 PM, I lead an hour rehearsal with the SonShiners .. FBC's choir for "seasoned singers" .. and I usually stay around and "chew the fat" (occasionally there's some gristle) with the members for another 30 minutes or so.

This puts me back in my office by 3 o'clock where I spend the next hour returning the gazillion phone calls I received while I was in staff meeting, prayer meeting and choir.

The most difficult part of the day is appearing to be busy for the next hour. However, since I've been doing this for over 34 years .. that's not really a problem (I am a professional, you know).

Monday. I prefer to call it Fun day.

"Why stand ye here all the day idle?" - Matthew 20:6b

RevKev's Day Off

"Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest." - Exodus 34:21a

Silly Song Saturday

Just in time for the allergy season (curse you, evil pollen).

Go ahead.

Sneeze until your heart's .. make that nose's .. content.

"Oh that my head were waters, and mine eyes a fountain of tears .." - Jeremiah 9:1a

Funny Foto Friday

"What is twisted cannot be straightened .. "

- Ecclesiastes 1:15a