Stop Global Worming

If it's true that "the early bird gets the worm," there's no worm for me, today. I slept in to almost 6 o'clock this morning!

Monday is beginning to be the new Sunday.

Sundays have always been long days for those in the ministry. That whole "day of rest" concept (now, where did that come from??) certainly does not apply to your typical (I'm anything but ..' I'm anything but' just made me giggle) music minister.

Mondays have become more involved with the SonShiners choir (we had five new members yesterday .. enrollment is now 41!) meeting at 1:30 in the afternoon and Music Club (I'm in charge of the November program) rehearsals at 6:30 PM. If you toss in a sleepless Sunday night (this is becoming the norm .. Norm! .. I loved Cheers. Sam and Diane, why? Why didn't you work harder at your relationship? If only you had the Love Dare book .. I'll blog about that later), it makes for a challenging and tiring day.

It's Tuesday and I am wasting daylight. However, getting the worm (that almost sounds like an STD) is not much of a motivator for me.

If the early bird were to get, let's say .. cheesecake, now that's a whole other story.

Franklin, My Dear .. I Don't Give a Tam

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

This, of course, is a famous saying by Benjamin Franklin which appeared in Poor Richard's Almanack (a collection of periodicals from 1732-1757, containing his wit and wisdom).

Franklin sure knew how to turn a phrase. However, his words are far more poetic than prophetic.

Early to bed: I went to bed early (it was 12:25 AM .. that's early .. in the wee hours of the morning).
Early to rise: I awakened early (4:02 AM .. speaking of wee .. I had to).
Makes a man healthy: I'm on blood pressure and cholesterol medicine (I, evidently, worry a lot .. when I'm eating a bucket of chicken).
Wealthy: Have you seen the stock market, lately? I would have been better off stuffing money under the mattress (if I had money to stuff under the mattress).
And wise: If a man speaks in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear him .. is he still wrong? (No, Cheryl wouldn't smooch during "Fireproof").

Franklin may not always hit the nail on the head, but he has given us some things to think about.

"A penny saved is a penny earned."
"Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today."
"Don't eat the yellow snow."

Okay, Ben Franklin didn't say that last one .. but he should have.

Trust me on this.

Fireproof - Tonight at 6:00 PM

We (several from the FBC Humboldt family) will be participating in a marriage enrichment study on Sunday nights for the next six or seven weeks. It is based on the new movie, "Fireproof", from Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia (the church that did "Facing the Giants").

Tonight, we will see the movie at the Humboldt Plaza.

I lived in south Georgia and those accents are the real deal (they don't sound sophisticated like me). The trailer says it all.

This movie is supposed to help make my marriage better. If Cheryl will "smooch" with me during the movie, we will be off to a good start .. in my opinion.

I hope we can sit in the balcony.

Who Ordered the Soccer Player?

The church's Upward Soccer program is in full swing (make that .. kick) and it is a wonderful sight to see all the boys and girls who participate. It was not always like this.

When Upward (thanks, Chad & Rhonda Roberts) was first discussed a few years ago, many didn't think it would "fly" (I believe I can fly .. I believe I can .. ). This is the south. We play football, basketball, and baseball. That's it. Upward Wrestling .. maybe, but not soccer.

Fortunately, they gave it a shot and it is a BIG deal, now.

Jaclyn Scott took the ball and ran with it (I didn't think you were supposed to touch the ball with your hands??) when the Roberts left and we have great participation each week.

This morning, I am going out to the field to give a 3 to 5 minute (it will be closer to three) devotional for the parents. This is an integral part of Upward where the parents hear from different church members, most with some type of athletic ability.

Me? I'm the guy who got Ernie Hayes' autograph years ago when we went to see the St. Louis Cardinals play at Busch Stadium. Ernie Hayes is the organist.

I did play baseball as a kid (Most Improved - 1969 .. I have a trophy), but that is about the extent of my career in sports.

I'm content just to be an athletic supporter.

I'm Stuffed .. Still

If the goal of Lambert's Cafe is to have customers freely consume mass quantities of food until they want to upchuck, yesterday's visit was a rousing success. The old Alka-Seltzer commercial comes to mind because .. I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

Besides what you order, they walk around throwing rolls, spooning okra, potatoes, & black-eyed peas on your plate, and slapping sorghum molasses on your bread. No matter how much you want it to stop, it just won't. It was kind of like that "100 Bottles of Beer (make that Sprite .. for us Baptists) on the Wall" song.

They were the pushers, we were the junkies, and the entire group needs some type of intervention .. Hi, my name is Kevin and I stuffed enough food into my "pie hole" to kill a moose. Do you have a "Baby Ruth?"

We left the restaurant as a visual reminder of the evils of gluttony. There were 28 of us slowly waddling to the bus. It looked just like a scene from "March of the Penguins."

Perhaps, the saddest thing of all was when one of my YYs got on the bus and asked if we could stop for ice cream.

Houston, we have a problem.

Road Trip (Minus Tom Green)

Today is a "work day" for me. This is what I will be doing.

Our YYs (Youth of Yesterday .. how many times do I have to go over this??) will leave at 9 o'clock for Sikeston, MO (a two hour drive) to eat lunch at Lambert's Cafe where we will have large yeast rolls thrown at us (food fight!!). Afterwards, we will stop by the outlet mall (evidently, this is like "crack" for women over 55) for a little while and then return to Humboldt.

It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

YTs (Youth of Today .. okay, I just coined that one) are hard to impress. By the time many of them reach age 14, they have already been to New York, D.C. or, even Europe. What can you plan that they've not done?

Senior adults, on the other hand, will fill up a 42 passenger bus to .. go eat. You don't have to do anything else. If there's cobbler involved, they are in.

There is only one downside. The bus pulls out of the parking lot at 9 AM today. This means people will be waiting at the church by 6:15 this morning.

I like to be early, too. However ..

It's only chicken and dressing .. not the iPhone.

You Favor Your Dad

My Wednesday morning men's group started a "new" (to us) book last week by Max Lucado (who else?) entitled, "Just Like Jesus." The subtitle, Learning to Have a Heart Like His, pretty much says it all.

I find it difficult, at times, to think and act like Jesus. In theory, I'm right there. In actions (many times) .. not so much.

When the phrase "What Would Jesus Do" hit it big in the 1990s (it was actually coined in a book by Charles Sheldon in the 1890s), you saw WWJD on every bracelet, shirt, backpack, and water bottle in every Christian bookstore and mail-order catalog.

I remember an incident in Memphis at the Baptist Book Store (now, Lifeway) on Summer Avenue when an elderly man asked the salesclerk what WWJD meant. When she told him, he said, "Well, He sure wouldn't pay $29.95 for a hat."

Maybe not. Maybe.

It is much easier to "talk the talk" than "walk the walk" (I'm sounding like a preacher .. I hate it when I sound like a preacher). I suspect more than one person with a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker has turned and "cussed" the driver behind them when the poor guy was just following instructions.

I guess that's why so many people are quiet about their faith. Perhaps, it's better to keep your mouth shut and look ignorant, than to open it (on something like, let's say .. a blog) and erase all doubt.

Though, not great at being just like Jesus, we are all He has for such a time as this.

Scary, isn't it?

I'm Not a Very Smart Man

When you try to turn out a new blog entry every single day, mistakes are going to happen. This is especially true when most of the writings occur somewhere between 3:00 AM (I'm a light sleeper .. I doze off during the day, when it's light) and 7:00 AM.

There are always "problems" in my posts (yes, Katie, I am aware of this), but yesterday I reached a new high .. or low .. or, whatever you want to call it. I had to go back and "fix" three or four things over the course of the day. I don't know what happened.

Granted, I didn't get much sleep. However, this was some of the shoddiest .. most shoddy .. okay .. it was a train wreck.

I don't like looking stupid. Oh, I know I look stupid on a regular basis .. but, I don't like it. If it's true that "stupid is as stupid does," I is because I does.

Hopefully, my readers know what I mean when what they read looks like some type of "unabomber manifesto."

I just need to slow down a little and not feel the pressure to crank out a smart, witty, slice of my life that makes everyone laugh. I've done enough "standup" to know .. that ain't gonna happen.

My new goal is to evoke an occasional smile and produce a blog with minimal errors.

Misspellers of the world, untie!

Sore Like an Eagle

I am proud to report that my aching back (see Saturday's post) no longer aches .. as much. However, I woke up this morning with a sore throat. Overuse on Sunday, drainage (phlegm at 11), and allergies are deadly combinations that have created the "perfect storm" (without the lightning, high winds, waves, and torrential rain .. of course).

At some point in time, talking about your ailments comes up (like a bad chili dog) in almost every conversation. When this occurs, you need to start getting your affairs in order.

It's a slippery slope leading to the "five stages of old age" for men.

1) Talking about your aches and pains (back, neck, shoulders, legs .. thighs, knees, and shins may be discussed as separate issues and do not have to be grouped under the general category, "legs", .. etc.,etc., etc.

2) Discussing how many pills you take each day (this is directly related to the first stage).

3) Comparing surgery scars (again, related to stage one .. and maybe two). It's kind of like "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" for the elderly.

4) Going to McDonald's every single day for breakfast (your life expectancy is directly related to the time of your arrival .. if you are waiting for the manager to unlock the doors, call George A Smith and Sons .. TODAY)

5) Wearing the waist of your pants just slightly under your chin (often referred to as the "final stages"). Since men continue to buy the same size pants as they did when they were in high school (it's a pride thing), a choice has to be made .. under or over. When you finally go over the belly (and trust me, you will .. it's just the natural order of things), it is only a matter of time before those Sansabelts cover well over 75% of the body. Fortunately, nature (and the manager at McDonald's) will not allow the pants to go over the chin.

The saddest (and somewhat disturbing) sight in the world is an old man having to unzip his pants to take a sip of coffee.

Worship Songs Aren't for the Blokes

This is going to be a serious post (that's right, all those others were supposed to be humorous). If you want to laugh, turn on Comedy Central or watch any rerun of "Seventh Heaven" (most of the "actors" on that show make me look like Sir Laurence Olivier).

This morning, Greg preached a message entitled, "The Heart of Worship." It was inspired by the Matt Redman song and really struck a chord with much of the congregation.

Since this was such a serious subject, it just didn't seem appropriate to hit you with a bunch of one-liners.

Here is an interview where Matt talks about men in worship. Perhaps, it says a lot about why men have a difficult time expressing themselves (I'm not just referring to raising hands) to the Lord.

I found it to be interesting.

Back to Basics

Well, I hurt my back yesterday. Was it from lifting 100 lb. boxes? Was it from moving heavy furniture? Was it from unloading sacks of potting soil? No. I was reaching up to unscrew the tire caps from a bicycle that was hanging in the garage.

When you hit fifty, even the slightest thing can render you helpless. You can't bend over, reach up, or turn your head the wrong way without having to spend the rest of the day on the couch with a heating pad .. or in the Emergency Room.

When I was younger, I could do all these things .. and more. What happened?

You never hear a child "grunt" when they bend over to retrieve a penny. You never hear a child say, "Can you hold up? I just have to sit down a minute" .. after they've climbed a flight of stairs.

If I only had half the energy of the boys and girls (grades 4-6) I teach on Wednesday nights, I could .. bend over and retrieve a penny or climb a flight of stairs.

Perhaps, it's not all about age. My wife can work circles around me (I get dizzy every time she does that). She gets home from school and works in the flower beds, cleans the storage building, or organizes closets almost every day. She makes me sick.

I admit it. I'm a wimp. Cheryl has implied as much when she says, "You're a wimp."

Manual Labor? Isn't he of Spanish descent.

Last Night Was Dyn-o-mite!

It's Friday (with a powerful opening sentence like that, I could have been a trial lawyer). I am off today (yeah!) and I should have been up early, doing all the things I can't seem to get done throughout the week. Instead, I'm wasting daylight.

Yesterday began at 3:15 AM for me. I couldn't sleep (surprise, surprise, surprise), so I just got up and got going. By 3:15 PM, I was nodding off at the drop of a hat (I was shocked .. what was wrong with me .. I had four hours sleep the night before).

I made all my hospital visits in Jackson after lunch and by 4 o'clock, I was on the road (again .. just can't wait to be on the road again) to the Memphis Funeral Home on Poplar and I-240.

Cheryl agreed to go (great .. someone to keep me awake on the trip home .. wait .. Cheryl always sleeps when she's not driving) and we arrived .. right in the middle of rush hour traffic.

After paying our respects, we went to Bahama Breeze, where we met a friend for dinner (we say "supper" in Bemis, but I wanted to sound high-falutin').

When Cheryl and I lived in Memphis, we had some very dear friends, Susan and Jeff. I called earlier in the day to see if they could meet us for dinner .. supper .. something to eat. Jeff was out of town, but Susan was available.

Susan is one of my very favorite people in the world (I gave her my blog address last night and she might be reading this .. so just play along) and she and Cheryl are like "two peas in a pod" (so much for sounding high-falutin').

There was plenty of "girl talk" and one very uncomfortable "woman talk" conversation where I had to actually excuse myself from the table (if I wanted "The View", I would have taped it).

The whole evening reminded me that we really did have some good times during those 6 1/2 years.

We have been gone from Memphis for over nine years and we don't get to see or talk to old (Susan recently had a birthday) friends that often. However, every time we do .. no matter how much time has passed, it's like we just pick up the conversation where we last left off.

That's rare. That's .. true friendship.

A Fair to Remember

The cooler temperatures (fair weather) we have been experiencing in West Tennessee make this the perfect fair weather, and the timing couldn't be better. The Mid-South Fair begins tomorrow, September 19th and runs through September 28th.

I have fond memories (and a couple of nightmares) of going to the Mid-South Fair. As a kid, it was a treat driving to Memphis (how things have changed) to experience the sights, sounds and smells (we always entered by the livestock area) at the fairgrounds. I loved riding the rides (only the non-spinning ones) and seeing the animals.

It was the same with my own children. They loved the rides and we would stay until we got our money's worth on wristband day.

These were wonderful times.

The one bad experience happened when Drew was little and Cheryl was pregnant with Megan. The moment we walked through the gate, the aroma of "fair food" (which is usually so good you can "almost taste it") made Cheryl so nauseous, she "almost lost it." She sat in the exhibit area all day long eating crackers while Drew and I rode the rides (again, only the non-spinning ones .. Cheryl's head was doing enough spinning for all of us). A good time was not had by all.

Well, the kids have grown and things have changed. The rides are no longer appealing. The animals are just .. animals. The lights are not as bright (I think that one is age/eyeglasses related).

If we go this year, it will be to see the arts & crafts and eat (actually, I could leave off the arts & crafts). That's right. We will spend around $30 for gasoline, $7 to park, $10 to enter the gates, and about the same amount as a nice meal at the Peabody for corn dogs, cotton candy, and fiddlesticks.

I think I'll pay this month's utility bill, instead.

Excellent, Dude!

Last night's worship ministry banquet for Englewood went great. The place was beautifully decorated, the food was delicious, and the people laughed (that last one was the most important .. in my humble opinion).

I saw a "handful" of folk I knew from my old alma mater, Union University (sorry, Dr. Dockery .. I know you hoped that info would never go public .. please quit telling people that I'm a Lambuth graduate), and I did know a few more. However, most were new faces and it reminded me that much has changed since I was on staff as a music and youth assistant from 1977-79.

For instance, imagine the "joy and elation" I experienced when a mother of three said she remembered me. Evidently, she was eight years old (that's just a few years younger than their current pastor, Ben) when I was there! I never thought of myself as old, but the realization is .. I am what I am (I still love Popeye). Don't get me wrong. Old is not bad. It just looks better on someone else.

I was supposed to take about 30 or 35 minutes last night, but I felt like I was "in the zone." So, I went a little bit longer. The crowd responded well (it's a good night in my book when nothing is thrown and they don't spit on you) and it felt good to hear the laughter.

Proverbs and Reader's Digest is right. Laughter is a good medicine.

Bradley Gray closed the evening with a wonderful challenge based on the banquet's theme, Excellence in Ministry (don't worry, the irony of me, Mr. Fly-By-the-Seat-of-His-Pants, being the keynote speaker didn't escape me). His desire to take things to a new level spoke just as much to me as it did to the Englewood members.

Singing is fun. It should be. However, we should strive to be the best for the very Best.

"Love so amazing, so divine demands my soul .. my life .. my all."

I'll Be Back .. Told Ya!

I'm certainly no Schwarzenegger (though people often mistake me for the California governor) but, just like his character from "Terminator", tonight I will return .. to Englewood Baptist Church (I was a music and youth assistant there as a college student).

That's right. I have been asked to speak at their worship ministry appreciation (...thanks for your service...here's our speaker, a sarcastic, bitter, "has-been" who was here 30 years ago...do you feel appreciated?) banquet at Festivities! in Jackson.

Bradley Gray doesn't know me that well (duh .. that's obvious) or he wouldn't let me step foot anywhere near his people. Don't get me wrong. I'm not really a bad guy. I'm just not really a good guy.

Guest speakers should be encouraging and inspirational, not discouraging and perspirational (spellcheck says this is not a word, but I'm sticking with it). Face it. If you replaced Hugh Laurie's cane with a conductor's baton, you would have .. me. I am like the House (which, by the way, season 5 premieres tonight) of music ministers (that sounds like a 1940's horror flick .. "Fall of the House of Music Ministers").

I am going to try to do my best, though. It's not often you get the chance to "go back home." Especially, if there was some type of church bylaw (and let's not forget that court order) that was passed immediately after you left.

I guess time does heal all wounds.